There are some days, it seems, that I feel only sadness. Maybe a better term would be ‘sad perspective’. I am looking at something that is clearly beautiful, and on another day,I would appreciate the joy of it. On sad perspective days, joyful things only bring sadness.
The beach isn’t a gorgeous blue sky with the white sand warm beneath your feet, the sounds of a perfect ocean. On sad perspective days, this environment only reminds me of my limitations. NOT playing volleyball, NOT racing to the rock, NOT sunbathing.
My black cat cuddling on my chest, rubbing his belly, enjoying the purr. On sad perspective days, I can only think of his declining age and it breaks my heart that he is the last of 6 since I have been sick.
Watching my caveman doing the things that he loves to do, taking pictures and video, swimming in the ocean, tinkering and fixing, makes me more in love with him everyday. On sad perspective days all I can think of is how hard I have made his life these past 6 years.
On sad perspective days, I even mourn the things I always wanted to do but never achieved.
On sad perspective days, I hate myself for being a burden on my family.
Nothing on sad perspective days will make me happy, I see doom and gloom around every corner. Some people would say, “get over it, you have PMS.” Some might say, “girl, get your butt to the doctor”. Others will probably suggest that I am a pessimist and I just need to think more positively. Lots will say “pray, pray, pray”
My sad perspective days do seem to fall on days of increased pain or mobility, following over-activity/sensory, fatigue and the general ill feeling this disease brings.
I don’t like sad perspective days but maybe they are necessary. Maybe you have to go through them to appreciate good days that give you the juice to get through the bad days again. I try to embrace it even though I am in utter agony. I try to process it. I try not to feel guilty about it. And, I try to not have alot of those days. Maybe resigning myself to the fact that these are those days when people say things like “life is up and down”. A down could be something as small as a minute of the day.That moment a sad thought comes to you and your chest tightens and your throat starts to close and you feel that first tear run down your cheek. A down could be a whole day where you just want to dig into the covers of your bed and get your feet rubbed by a caveman, while eating ice cream, of course. It’s a sad perspective day, why not?! I can think about how the bed sheets should have been changed 3 days ago, how I am probably giving him carpel tunnel and why am I so stupid to be eating this ice cream while I have diabetes. After all, it’s a sad perspective day…